I like to think that I go after what I want- that I'm aggressive with my desires. But I'm not. To have your limbs burn for action but to withdraw because you don't know how to proceed or because of fear. Surely this is not an unusual situation but it is frustrating. It's frustrating when your dreams keep you awake because they show what you want and the possibilities that could arise from securing that dream, but always the positive end results because even in your subconscious you can't bear failure, can't bear being hurt. So awake you laugh, and scream, and joke, and tease, and insult, and watch because actually speaking can hurt. And you don't want to jeopardize a new, amazing friendship by stepping on their heels. And then you have to argue the fact that you're not sticking around in this place that you have grown to love, the place where you've become you, so to pursue is almost futile because you'll be leaving again. And sometimes you consider leaving what you have to try for something else. The failures and fears are like cats and warm mud and cold linoleum hallways. You yearn for sleep because dreams hold chocolate and gold and insulated sleeping bags with fuzzy slippers and starry skies the colour of bruises. Tears that taste like salt are many and hugs that taste like warmth are few.